V Festival 2009

It’s a slow work day today, or perhaps the lull before the storm, either way it gives me a great opportunity to document the day that was 23^rd August 2009. Today was V day, no not the reptilian alien mini series from the mid 80’s I mean the Virgin Festival.

No I don’t mean a festival of virgins… I am of course referring to the V festival sponsored by Virgin Mobile.

Virgin mobile were racketeering again charging £10 per car for parking, I may be mistaken but I think that has doubled if not last year but quite recently, that’s big business looking after the little folk for you!

Cost aside we were lucky to get a space very near the entrance/exit to Weston Park, the walk down to the arena was a decent hike but the additional exercise easily outweighs the absolute misery that comes of getting trapped in a car park related paradox loop whilst trying to escape the park.

The walk down to the arena was quite pleasant until we started going past the camping areas, quite how anyone can sleep with the with the vapid urine aroma floating through the air I do not know, if I could lower myself to mix with the peasants in their shanty towns of cheap nylon and aluminium my gag reflex would have been working overtime.

The guys and gals on the gates were working efficiently, hardly a queue at all, the bag search consisted of a quick hand delve that lasted a split second, accompanied by a “have you got any cans?” question, how he can call himself security is beyond me unless he deliberately missed my glock and stash of crystal meth.

We headed towards the mains stage, the first act was just starting, and it was hard to make out what it was I was hearing. Bethan rather unashamedly stated that the “band” (and I use the term loosely) in question were Mc Fly. Jacob asked the question “Who the hell are they?” which in my books is a result, the education in decent music has appeared to have paid off. Irony was plentiful, well it was for me as the only decent track they managed to bleat out was a cover of The Beastie Boys – Fight for your right (to party).

Next on were a band of distinct quality – Star Sailor, although I new I liked a few of their songs I never realised how great they were, admittedly they started with a few tracks that I didn’t know but finished with some beautifully crafted tracks…Alcoholic, Good Souls and Four to the Floor

This set was followed by some no mark from Tennessee called Taylor Swift, if you like banal jangly countrified pop music then look no further than this young lady, she was announced as the worlds best selling artist of the last 2 years, I will however take that under advisement, I had heard of her before today but my ears had never previously had to bear witness to her shrill warbling.

During these performances it was a good opportunity to get a few photos out of the way before the alcohol kicked in.

Jacob and cousin Richard                         Bethan and Adam

Chris                                                                                 Sam

Moi

It was during these performances that we pulled the posse together for the first time, I’m really not sure what time we met up with Richard, Chris, Kyle and Cathy, the only person to blame for that is Lieutenant Strongbow.

Next up were some band called The Script, from the get go the a large proportion of the crowd were singing along with these Irish rogues, we vaguely recognised one track, we left after about 15 minutes as our stomach’s were growling and proved to be more persuasive than The Script ever could be.

After some pretty decent (by Festival standards) Tex-Mex food we headed over to watch Dizzee Rascal, I was expecting a decent show but was quite unprepared for how the little chap could whip up the crowd. An excellent showman, I’ll be honest I didn’t know a lot of the earlier tracks and it didn’t matter it was all pretty spectacular. The later tracks including Dance Wiv Me, Holiday and Bonkers had the crowd leaping around in a manner that resembles House of Pain crossed with and old hardcore rave; truly bonkers indeed.

We left at the end of the Rascal set to catch the tail end of Lily Allen’s set. I have soft spot for Lily which I cannot place. She had the crowd on her side which is always a good thing and looked half decent too.

After Miss potty mouth we stayed at the main stage to catch some of The Specials, basically a live version of their best of album, which is what you’d expect for a long established band like these chaps.

We then headed back to the Channel 4 stage for the Ting Tings, they cave a good performance, Sam managed to miss most of the second half of their set queuing for the toilet, the joys of being a male at these type of events, we just spray up walls like unneutered cats creating what can only be described as piss-mud.

The highlight of the day as far as Sam and I were concerned was to follow, they provided one of the most awesome displays I have witnessed at the V festival in fact probably anywhere, what I’d do to see Pendulum followed by Muse one day would probably be considered illegal in most countries.

Not one bad track but a plentiful supply of banging tracks from both Albums with an excellent cover version of Calvin Harris’s “I’m Not Alone” (as featured in this BBC clip) A Techno, Drum and Base rock-fest that had the crowd jumping and raving like epileptic kangaroos, one casualty in the camp at this stage as Sam inadvertently gammified her leg.

We slinked off then to take our position for the headline act of the day; some band or other from Las Vegas called the Killers! We spent most of the time listening to the band belt out their usual array of hits whilst trying to meet up with Adam and Bethan. For me they were good but nothing spectacular, Jacob however really enjoyed them.

I stupidly suggested using ice cream vans as markers for meeting points, I didn’t realise until it was too late the sheer number of ice cream vans around the place! We left about 15-20 minutes from the end to avoid the usual park exit rush.

In all a fantastic day out – oh I forgot to mention – Not one drop of rain all day!

Day 13 - St Ives

You know what, I really cant be bothered to elaborate on our day today which was fantastic albeit chav infested at times (We did visit Newquay after all), Instead today's blog is basically a short story cut even shorter..

• Went to Newquay - Arrived at 9 a.m. - Chavs were still asleep
• Shops and arcades opened at 9.30 ish - Chavs starting to fill the Arcades
• Went in several surf shops - Chav free zone
• Visited 2 arcades - Chavtastic
• Walked around the Boardmaster retail tents - A light sprinkling of Chavs
• Filled up pockets with Lynx Shower Gel courtesy of the Lynx Gals
• Had miserable cheesy chips for lunch that tasted of undercooked sweaty bollocks
• Wangled the best seat in the house for the Skateboarding practice session, a double deck chair - who'd have thunk it
• Got hot, really hot
• Jacob fell over and embarrassed himself by crying, he's 6 for crying out loud, crying should be a thing of the past at this age.
• Returned to apartment
• Had an indoor Barbecue - Mmm tasty
• Filmed a movie (see below) - screenplay by Jacob Simpson

Stupid Crocodile

A short clip of today's action.

Jacob

Boardmasters 2009 from Torbaysurfing on Vimeo.

Viva la revolution....

Day 12 - St Ives

After yesterday which was a great day, and exhausting until the end; today was always going to go one of two ways, fucking fantastic or a bit twat faced.

Today's weather was probably the best it has been over the two weeks, but that didn't matter as my imagination was in overdrive and my common sense had long departed.

I spent the morning day dreaming, imagining how good at surfing I was, then we broke for lunch, Jacob declared today "chip day", I disagreed then went and fetched him some chips.

After baking in the early afternoon sun I psyched myself up then Sam Jacob and I hit the surf trail.... Ok I exaggerate we dragged ourselves down to the shore. The body boarding section was rammed like a cheesy 90's rave full of whistling chavs, but that didn't matter as we were able to enjoy the much more spacious malibu area.

I was voted first out into the ocean, after a couple of rides I crawled back out. If you hadn't seen my surfing attempts you might have believed I had swam a few miles to shore. Sam stayed in a little longer than me and had a few rides. For me surfing should have remained in my imagination today at least.

We headed out to the Italian restaurant, the food was "Mmmm tasty", as usual I was the only one to overeat, I was for a time literally high on Dago nosh.

Tomorrow we win....

Actually tomorrow we are heading off to Newquay for Boardmasters

Here is Jacob's video diary entry for today:

For me today went twat faced.

Day 11 - St Ives

Today was going to be different, it was going to be a classic affirmation of everything right and true about the Cornish lifestyle, it was to be a gross attempt to live the Cornish dream, and salute the fantastic possibilities of living in this county - It was going to require determination and we had plenty of that. Then Jacob came into the room and woke us up at 8 a.m., the dream was over and we were back in reality with a bump.

Despite the initial setback of having to wake up we decided that we would make the best of the day and promptly sat down to breakfast, the others had cereal; I had marmite on toast which has a similar effect to caustic soda for morning mouth. We moved on, the Cornish dream unfortunately requires fitness levels that escape us during a lucid reality and there was no time for sleeping as the caffeine had taken effect.

Today's weather forecast was collated from several different sources which proved only one thing, and that one thing was that as a collective they know nothing.

Auto-erotic asphyxiation is supposedly an affective way to reach euphoria, I had no cord and plastic bag, and it was only 9 a.m. I had heard or perhaps dreamt that running may produce similar same effects, and it is well known that it can be addictive to people that are that way inclined because of the endorphins produced. Needless to say the only effects it produced for me were profuse sweating, staggering and almost puking - more like the morning after than the night before.

Sam and I grabbed the malibu surfboard and took to the sea whilst Jacob was a given a free pass to tour St Ives with Adam, Bethan and Maya, an hour or so of peace and quiet gratefully received. We were struggling which I can only put down to the fact that the waves were of the wrong kind for this board, there was only thing for it and it didn't involve lubrication or alcohol, but something a quick visit to Hayle would probably remedy.

One hour and one Love Machine later Sam and I pulled on our rubber costumes and looking forward to the ride we squeezed out onto the beach, Bethan and Jacob had manufactured a dolphin from sand, I have requested the reverse for tomorrow.

After an hour or so of getting close to attaining a standing position on the old and sticks my arms felt rubbery. I gripped the board and flopped toward the beach, the tide was getting high and my eyes were so full of water and salt that everyone's faces looked like they were melting and dripping like a Dali.

We took the usual stroll around the town to check that nothing had changed, my prediction was correct as it always is when I keep it to myself. Jacob had a look around a Fire Engine before we shot at the skanky tramps again. No fat sows to soak tonight, only a ginger street urchin, he spoke toff's english and made my skin crawl. Before returning we had Ice creams.

My final thoughts:

Whilst Maple and Walnut is good, it can't hold a torch to Cookie Dough and Clotted Cream.

Day 10 - St Ives

Sam wrote:

Sam arose this morning following a sleepless night due to Alex drinking far too much cider and snoring incessantly, her elbow bruised and swollen following the constant digging she had to do to make the noise stop. At 7:30 am Jacob appeared in the room to put the TV on, at this point Sam and Alex both realised it was futile to lie down any longer.

Alex went to the kitchen and made everyone a nice cup of coffee with some coconut macaroons, it was decided by all, that scrambled eggs would be good to eat so Bethan nipped to the shop to purchase some. It was at this point that Sam had a bit of a turn and challenged Jacob to a race up the beach and back before the eggs were cooked, Jacob following his usual bout of cheating won the race easily, claiming he was tired and needed to walk giving a last minute dash to the finish. To be fair they were both running so slowly a seagull went past them (on foot).

Following the hearty breakfast everyone decided it would be a good idea to go to Truro, as it was pissing down outside. On arrival at Truro following two train journeys all broke for lunch, everyone was hungry (for a change) so went into a local pub for sandwiches, ciabatta and chips n beans, all had soft drinks except for Bethan who opted for a half a cider. We then walked into town and first port of call was the game shop where Jacob had to buy Xbox game Jumper, Adam, Bethan & Maya went off on their own as their interest in computer games is limited to zero, a bit like Alex and Sam (who unfortunately have no choice but to accompany their offspring into the shop). The writer can't really account for Adam & Bethan's whereabouts following this but it is believed they had a quick scoot around the shops then got the train back (which took ages) arrived at the flat (eventually) Maya had a coughing fit, man came to read meter (electricity), Bethan lost her wedding rings (since found) and nearly broke her toe on stair gate (bruised - badly).

Sam, Alex and Jacob continued to look around the shops and made some very nice purchases it must be noted. Following a shopping intensive day, they headed back for the train, got there 10 mins before it was due to find that it was delayed by 20 minutes. Sam went to fetch beverages from the coffee shop on Truro platform, who were supplying some entertainment by way of a very drunk old Scottish guy who the cafe staff had requested the station master come to remove him from the premises he was refusing to move, they were refusing to serve him, Sam left the cafe with the situation in stalemate so don't know what the outcome was. The train was now running 26 minutes late, this was now becoming an issue as a meal was booked for 6 pm at The Mex in St Ives and the connection times were very dodgy.

Finally the train arrived and they jumped on, the arrived in St Erth at 5:30 pm, having missed the 5:11 pm train the next one was 5:41 pm which was due to arrive in St Ives at 5:55 pm, the train came in 2 minutes late but the driver made the time up and got into St Ives on time. Sam, Alex and Jacob jumped off the train and legged it up past the Malakoff down the hill and ran around the corner, just as Adam called to say they were running late too as their incidents had delayed them.

At 6:10 all were sitting down ready to order, everyone had a great meal from Chilli, Fajitas and Burritos and an enormous jug of Margherita (£10 bargain). Following the meal they all went off to the arcade to waste money, Alex and Jacob got soaked as they tried to shoot hillbillies, Jacob had his obligatory ice-cream, Beth bought a headband, Adam admired a shirt. They all returned to the flat to look at the people still surfing in the sea, Jacob & Beth built a cannon, Maya went to sleep, some had a glass of wine. FIN.

Thank you to Sam today for guest writing today's entry, I have writers block or constipation, not sure which but will report back later.

Jacob's video diary entry for today:

Day 9 - St Ives

In commemoration of "Gingers are people too" day in St Ives; clouds graced our skies until late afternoon (around 4 p.m.) after which time the sun's rays are considered to be of an intensity deemed safe for our carrot topped brethren.

It was a non eventful day, with little to write about.

• Woke up around 7:30 a.m.
• Weather looks promising
• Breakfast at around 8 a.m.
• Weather still looks promising
• Head off into town for morning service
• Weather still looking good
• Look around a few shops
• weather still not bad
• Coffee and biscotti in The Hub
• Clouds start to fill the sky, Gingers and Albino's cheer
• Head back to the apartment after attempting to pull together ingredients on a Sunday for a traditional sunday dinner (i.e. Curry)
• Miscellaneous pasties for lunch (Vegetable, Broccoli, Large Steak and Minted Lamb)
• Head down to the beach, defying the weather, the weather LOL's at us and it starts to rain sporadically.
• Maya vomits
• Sam and Jacob make a sand sculpture of Upsy Daisy (see below)
• Ad, Beth and Maya return to the apartment
• The sun forces it's way through the clouds and "Gingers are people too" day is officially over
• Jacob, Sam and I played 3 way football, I kicked the ball with my usual precision and a fair bit of pace, I thought it was funny but the middle aged lady shot bolt upright when the 10 bob swerver rolled with gusto from gusset to barnet.
• A glorious evening.
• Improvised curry for dinner washed down with a lashing of strong cider (it is the Lords day after all)
• Sam spilt red wine on the carpet and used the magic stain remover
• A walk around town involving a visit to the arcade, I shot some old hillbilly tramps, they tried to spit on me but missed and hit some fat bitch, we laughed.
• More lashings of cider.
• Game over

Jacob's video diary for today:

Day 8 - St Ives

No one would have believed in the early years of the twenty first century that the world was undergoing weather modification by intelligences considered greater than the general populace; that as families busied themselves preparing for a day on the beach the skies above them were being modified to dim the effects of the sun.

With infinite complacency men went to and fro over this globe experimenting on human beings without their permission, serene in their assurance of their empire over matter.

No one gave a thought to the effects that the chemicals might cause on man, or thought of them only to dismiss the idea that any dangers inherently involved were either impossible or improbable. It is curious to recall the memories before the weather changes started. At a primeval level many vaguely remember that the Sun used to shine during the summer period, those days were long gone.

Yet somewhere in the south west of England a weather system, unlike any weather system seen for some time, unsympathetic, regarded the scientist’s plans with distaste, and slowly and surely drew their plans against them. And early in August came the great encouragement.

So gullible is man, and so blinded by his gullibility, that no writer, up to the start of August has expressed and idea that the idea of Global Warming is a fraud of the highest order. Nor is it generally understood that aerosols have been sprayed into the atmosphere since 1999.

That morning, a strange object was glimpsed in the sky. I saw it. Reddish on the outer edges, an intense yellow glow in the centre; I told Sam that I’d heard rumours of a star that omitted light and heat during the daytime hours, she looked at me like I had been drinking. The morning was getting warmer and brighter than anything I had seen before. I stretched my legs and gathered all the appropriate items required for what used to be described as beach weather, whilst Sam was visibly puzzled at the beams of light that came from the sky down towards us.

We awaited the return of the others who had been to pay the parking fee for the week; they had been out early to avoid the early morning rush with only the seagulls as company.

That morning another shaft of light particles accelerated towards us, it was the second time today that this happened. I remember how I sat on the beach last year in my wetsuit to avoid the damping effect of the atmosphere. The experiences so far today gave hope that today might be different.

All six of us headed down to the beach, the tent was pitched with relative ease on the perpetually damp sand and the wind breaks positioned for maximum wind diversion. We checked the Iphone weather application for today’s weather forecast.

“The chances of any thing Sun-like today are a million to one,” It said.

Hundreds of observers saw the light rays that morning. When the sun finally broke through the clouds at around 10:30 a.m. others gathered on the beach, shops began to fill with holiday-makers and the mood of the local population began to lift to a state that was once documented by historians as happiness.

We played games in the sun, which dipped behind cloud coverage for minutes at a time, but hope was not dashed and the heat soon returned. Lunch was a lavish affair as always. Lemon curd and Tuna sandwiches washed down with CoOp's own brand limejuice.

Even the daily newspapers woke to the climate improvements; news headlines were read “Hottest day since the last one” and “Weather can be this good all of the time if income tax can be increased by 2.5%”.

I attempted to surf but was immediately throttled and dumped by the waves, today was shaping up to be an exhausting experience, the sun draining all of my energy; the only option involved lying down horizontally for rest and relaxation.

An old acquaintance arrived at the beach unannounced, we discussed nostalgia for around 20 minutes, and Jacob performed beach acrobatics whilst I was used as bruisable gymnasium equipment.

After sometime in the early evening the family begrudgingly returned to the apartment and ate a glorious meal and discussed the day, whilst scientists continued to secretly execute their evil plans.

Jacob's video diary for today: