Day 7 - St Ives

Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the fashionable south westerly end of United Kingdom lies a pointy unregarded county. Along the Northern coast not too far from Lands End lies an utterly insignificant town whose ape descended bipedal lifeforms are so primitive that they still think that the internet is just a pipe dream.

The town has - or rather had - a problem, which was this:

Most of the people who visited the town were unhappy when the Sun wasn't shining. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these involved the exchange of small pieces of green paper for over priced fashionable surfwear, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the the small pieces of green paper that were unhappy.

And so the problem remained; lots of people were unpleasant and most of them were miserable, even the ones with access to the internet.

Many were increasingly of the opinion that they'd all made a big mistake in coming down from the West Midlands in the first place. And some said that evolving from apes had been a bad move, how Ironic then that a large majority of these lifeforms still closely resemble chimpanzees in their behaviour.

And then, one Friday, approximately two millennia after one man had been allegedly nailed to a cross for preaching about tolerance and being nice to thy neighbour for a change, one man whilst sitting on his own by a lake in Sutton Park fishing suddenly realised what it was that had been going wrong all this time, and he finally knew how he could make everyone in St Ives happy all of the time. This time it was right, it would work, and no one would have to get crucified.

Sadly, however, before he could get to a phone to tell anyone about it, his Three mobile phone signal dropped, and the idea was lost forever.

This is not his story.

It is however the story of a family from the West Midlands trying in vain to escape unhappiness by finding Sunshine and some of the consequences.

It is also the story of a blog, a blog entitled www.simpedia.blogspot.com - not a worthwhile blog, barely viewed on Earth, and until the quest for sunshine, never seen or heard of by anyone.

In fact it was probably the most unworthwhile blog ever to be written by the writer whose pseudonym is NeoplasmSix - whom no Earthling had ever heard of either.

Not only is it a wholly unworthwhile blog, it is also written in a highly plagiarised and inaccurate style - More plagiarised than Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code" and more inaccurate than government recommended school history text books. "It was the Germans that started it","the Germans started it again" and "Thats the Germans fucked, Lets blame everything on the Muslims next".

On some of the established Social Networking sites www.simpedia.blogspot.com has supplanted the world renowned Wikipedia as the standard repository of all inaccurate knowledge and misinformation, although it has many omissions and contains a vast amount of wildly inaccurate facts, it scores over the older Wikipedia in two important respects.

First, it isn't edited by wankers with material detremental to the elite families removed; and secondly it has the word Simpedia inscribed in large friendly and most probably trademarked letters on the banner.

But the story of this rainy, miserable Friday, the story of several unremarkable anecdotes, and the story of how these anecdotes are tenuously intertwined with this blog begins rather.

It begins with an apartment.

The apartment was on the ground floor of a 4 storey block overlooking the trendy surf beach - it was approximately 50 years old, squarish, made of brick and spread over 2 floors and had a window on the upper floor of decent proportion with a size and proportion that was good but as good as the balcony that wasn't there.

The three people, to whom the apartment was in any way special were Sam, Jacob and Alex, and that was only because they were currently halfway through a two week vacation. It hadn't properly registered with them that the apartment population was about to double. At eight o'clock that morning Alex didn't feel very good. That was because it was 8 o'clock and not half past ten. He got up pulled himself together brushed his teeth and proceeded downstairs to make breakfast for the others.

Kettle, bowls, coffee, tea, cereal, bread toast. Fart!

He called Sam and Jacob down for their breakfast which they duly demolished in a style not dissimilar to a pack of hungry hyenas. Alex got changed into the same pair of shorts he had worn all week, they were so grubby that the dirt and grease marks were starting to wear off, another week and they would probably be clean again. Alex took the car out of the garage in preparation for the telephone call. At approximately half past nine the phone rang and Alex eased the car out of the drive and was brought to a halt immediately by the delivery driver for the local shop, one illegal move later involving a one way street and within a few minutes he was pulling into the car park. The car was loaded up with Adam, Bethan and Maya's belongings. The volume to volume ratio of belongings was roughly 18.3% Parents 81.7% Child, which was well within ISO standards.

After an hour or so of chaos the group shuffled into town for lunch. Pasty, pasty, baguette, baguette, chips, piss and back to the apartment. The chance of sun today was as remote as the likelihood of rain on the Sahara, that didn't deter them though. Ludicrous. The beach was still damp from yesterday's rain, today's rain was due in 23 minutes. The tent was up within seconds due to a patented tent erection technique involving no effort.

By a curious coincidence, not at all is exactly how surprised bipedal Sam and Alex were that Susan the young girl from next door was not in her parents apartment, but was in fact standing within yards of the tent in a manner that suggested that she was about to impose herself and overstay her welcome, the welcome that expired 3 days earlier after a generic beach appliance incident.

'It's my last day' she wailed. Alex struggled to stifle his excitement but got away with it by looking in exactly the opposite direction. Susan struck most she met as a stalker, a harmless one but a stalker nevertheless. Sam, Jacob and Alex rotated playing beach tennis and shouting whilst Susan decided that she would impose on Adam and Bethan. Having rifled through Maya's bag she turned and left without as much as a whisper.

23 minutes had passed and the rain started on cue, all five packed up and returned to the apartment.

Day 6 - St Ives

'Bollocks! It's morning already!' said Alex, 'The Sun is out aswell. Worst time it could possibly happen!'

Samantha glanced at Alex and tried to fall asleep again realising it was only 6 am. 'We've got time to get our heads down for a few more minutes' she said 'We've got seven minutes before Jacob wakes us up.'

Jacob got out of bed and prepared his paper and string lengths. The others looked at each other and closed their eyes again, there was no way they were going to get away with sleeping in.

After breakfast they walked into town for some sanitary supplies, today was going to be a tough one, there was going to be no room for error.

On returning to their apartment, Susan, the lonely little girl living next door knocked on the door, the knock caused chills to run down Samantha and Alex's spines, they knew full well what her intentions were.

'Are you going to the beach' she screeched, Jacob excited by the idea piped up.. 'What a terrific Idea, can we mommy?'. With the speed of the most modern steam locomotive the Fameless Three pulled their wetsuits on; today was most likely going to involve the sea to some degree.

After slaving away for several minutes the Anti-UV tent was erected, just as well too; the apartment didn't open directly onto the beach, and time was of the essence particularly with the lack of solar benefits to date.

The girl from next door kept yapping 'when are you going in the sea?' in a way reminiscent of a small terrier type dog with a borderline personality disorder. 'After lunch' Samantha declared, then attempted to sleep for a few minutes.

Lunch was splendid as ever Alex prepared a picnic consisting of Lemon Curd Sandwiches for Jacob, Tuna Mayonnaise for Samantha, and Tuna/Sweetcorn Mayonnaise for himself, with a smattering of crisps for everyone.

Samantha and Alex kept look out, 'Thank fuck for that' Susan has gone back into her own apartment, 'quick, grab your surfboards and run!' said Samantha, Jacob and Alex agreed and ran down to the bodyboarding area of the beach whilst keeping one eye open for Susan.

Jacob and Samantha went into the sea up to their waists, which was more than deep enough and well within health and safety parameters. Samantha and Alex laughed out loud when Jacob smashed into two older children sending them flying, celebrations were dashed when they discovered Jacob had picked up a bruise of his own.

The three made their way back to the beach tent, using stealth skills garnered from watching episodes of Chuck, they arrived at the tent and hid for fun. The fun didn't last long though as Susan noticed that they had returned. 'Have you been in the sea?' she screeched, 'yes, we couldn't find you though!' Alex lied.

Alex and Samantha decided now was as good as anytime to have a rest. Jacob played solo beach tennis and unfortunately lost.

After a short break Samantha, Alex decided to take the Malibu boards down to the shore. Jacob was very grumpy and ruined Alex's fun by getting cold. Samantha overconfident appeared to attempt a hang ten and somehow took a knock to the head.

They all laughed at the fun that had ensued and prepared to pack up for the day.

Jacob's Video Diary Entry:

Day 5 - St Ives

It was a dismal wet day in July, the clocks were striking 6 am. Jacob Simpson, his arms outstretched, body flattened in an attempt to slip through the doorway of his bedroom, not as low profile to the wall as he would have liked, he was unable to prevent the ear bleeding screech of the non-oiled hinges from following him to his destination.

The hallway smelt of baked beans and musty flip flops. At one end of it Jacob's bedroom, impossibly messy for such a small room, the door slowly swung back to its closed position screeching once more, at the other end was the living room, the door cracked open, an uncurtained window facing towards the ocean 8 ft x 5 ft resembled a water damaged impressionist painting of a grey wall.

Having attempted and failed to switch on the Telescreen (instrument) Jacob made for his parents bedroom. It was no use his parents trying to remain asleep, once awake Jacob was an unstoppable force. It was a part of the deal if Jacob didn't wake his parents up, they would try to avoid shouting at him throughout the rest of the day, this rarely if ever happened. However this was the first of two weeks of their annual vacation and tempers were somewhat subdued, it was Jacob's lucky day. We all arose and headed downstairs for breakfast. The apartment was split level, the kitchen diner area was at the downstairs rear of the property. A box gazed down from the top of the fridge freezer, It was one of those boxes that draw you in as you move closer. SHREDDIES - Delicious crispy squares with a yummy, malty taste, the caption on the box said.

Inside the flat a jaunty voice was shouting out a collection of unconnected words over raucous guitar sounds, which had something to do with predicting a riot. The sound came from an a squarish plastic black box with knobs and buttons on it. Sam turned a knob and the voice sank somewhat, though the music was still distinguishable.

Outside, even through the steamed up kitchen window-pane, the world looked cold. Outside the window was a shit blue car blocking the drive way. During breakfast it had been decided that The Doctor Who exhibition at Lands End was today's destination, however there was no escape for now. The usual rituals of watching CBeebies, Quincy and having lunch took the family to midday. The shit blue car had thankfully been moved and it was time to move on.

The one way system forced the family to leave via the back roads, the rain pelted down but the family soon arrived at Lands End for their afternoon of entertainment. The Doctor Who Exhibition - Docerooexsibishan, in Pasty-speak [Pasty-speak was the official language of Lands End. For an account of its structure and etymology see Appendix I.] was startling different to the other exhibitions at Lands End, in that it wasn't shit. The family stayed for a couple of hours and returned to their accommodation. On return spontaneous sunshine was provided and was enjoyed for precisely 45 minutes.

Evening nourishment was scheduled for 5:30 pm as was standard for the era, pasta was the only option available for Wednesdays or MidWeek [Pasty-speak]. A half hour of exercise [local bylaws for Cornwall state 2 games of Air Hockey as the legal minimum level of exercise] by decree was carried out before returning to their accommodation the final time for that day.

Jacob Simpson spent two hours completing his moral programming for the evening. Shaun of The Dead providing today's lessons.

Jacob's belated video diary:

Day 4 - St Ives

We were somewhere near the lounge window when the clouds began to take hold. I remember saying something like "Look at the sky; do you reckon it's going to rain?..." And suddenly there was a terrible mist all around us and the sky was full of what looked like water, all drizzling and dripping and splashing all over the town, St Ives was slowly submerging into a murkiness that resembled "Up North". And a voice was screaming in my head "Holy Bollocks! Shall we go to Penzance?"

Then it stopped raining for a while, Jacob managed to slip both shoes on to hasten the evacuation process. "Why are you bloody crying?" I probably shouted, "I've hurt my thumbs" he definitely whined back. "Never mind' I said "We are going to drive to Penzance." A shouting match ensued as Jacob wanted to go by train I won of course and pointed the Landrover towards the winding country roads. No need discussing the lack of rain at this point, I was pretty confident that it will be back before long.

It was around noon, and we pulled up into Penzance following a grueling 10+ mile drive. The town looked the same as always, still no pirates. There was no going back, at least not for a little while as lunch beckoned and there is no stopping lunch. Service in the Wetherspoon's pub was a standard affair, you have to join the queue with the street urchins ordering cocktails of methylated spirits and organic beer. A large lady bore the brunt of my moaning as I was unable to seat myself at the table. I thought I was a little quieter than I was; the sour bag's face told a different story. The food arrived; it was one of those occasions where the anticipation by far exceeded the reality of the situation. After eating the dry reheated pasta muck and packet chili con carne we left the public house. A quick tour of the remainder of Penzance revealed that the only changes were closed retail establishments and at this we decided to leave.

Jacob pressed us into going to see "Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince" using the tried and tested whining and moaning technique. The film was due to start at 5:15 pm which obviously conflicted with our regular eating times, we didn't let the movie stop us and took food from the Co-Op. I'm still no fan of eating in the dark.

Jacob's video Diary for today:

Day 3 - St Ives

Aloha.

Great day as far as weather was concerned, we woke up to blue skies...

Within 15 minutes the heavens opened and we were pissed off. To hell with it we still went on the beach, and our faith was duly repaid, the majority of the rest of the day, including 'the now' the sky has remained clear.

Soggy Jacob

Sam and I had a crack at surfing, our fitness levels proved to be second to none, and by that I mean that at present we appear to have no detectable level of fitness.

We both managed to stand up, which was good, how else would we have got down to the sea.

Jacob met a new friend, weird that they are generally always girls!

We had booked a meal at The Mex in St Ives, cracking meal, the two fitness freaks had a meal deal (14.95 GBP each) which consisted of:

Starter: Nachos with cheese and Salsa Next Course: Combo Platter which consisted of 1. Mozzarella sticks 2. Loaded Potato skins with sour cream 3. Loaded Potato skins with chili beef 4. Stuffed Peppers 5. Chili Beef Meatballs

Main Course: Chicken Fajitas

Sweet: Ice cream selection (or Death by Chocolate + others) Jacob had Fajitas and managed to ponce half of our ice creams!

To wash this all down we had a jug of Margaritas (10 GBP), I had about 2/3 of the Jug, Sam was pie-eyed at this stage. Thinking of nothing but fitness as per usual we decided that we would aggressively work off all of the above food, and as such we took a leisurely walk around the Island.

We capped all of this off by sitting on the beach for a full half hour.. Exhausting stuff

Jacob's video diary entry..

Day 2 - St Ives

Weather Report.

Crap

Surf Report

Started off Crap, but improved throughout the day

Mobile Phone Reception Report

Crap

Jacob Report

Showed signs of promise but failed in his attempt to remain a good child for the whole day. Jacob fell out of bed at 5 am this morning..LOL

Jacob kept waking us up at various intervals until 9 am... WTF

Today we mostly got soaked on the beach, it was thoroughly drizzling down, if that is indeed an expression, if not then lightly pissing down.

Bargain of the day award goes to Vans Sun Glasses - 10 GBP - yup thats all!

Grievance of the day award goes to 2 x Replacement Surfboard leashes at 21.99 GBP each! Particularly as Sam saw them in our attic before we commenced our journey on Friday!!!

From top to bottom, Jacob, Sam n me, High Tide!

Jacob's video diary for day 2

Day 1 - St Ives

Arrived in St Ives at around midday(ish) - Two irritations already, and both my own fault.

Firstly I thought my car wouldn't fit in what I remembered to be quite a low garage (It's a Freelander by the way! not a ground hugging sports car, so not as stupid as it sounds). Having forgotten my roof bar tool I had to splash out £9.79 on a set of star allen keys.

Having arrived at the apartment, I took the roof bars off before even testing the height only to discover that my memory is as crap as my rhythm and dancing abilities. The car + roof bars would have fit by a country mile.

Secondly, having a 6 year old, we are kind of stuck after 8-9 pm ish entertainment wise.

a) Purchased a freeview box last year as the apartment didn't have one.

b) Found the freeview box but couldn't locate the remote control (therefore useless)

c) Purchased a new freeview box

d) Having arrived in St Ives, looked in glove compartment and found original remote control!

e) Arrived at apartment and found that the apartment now has a freeview box.

That's the annoyances out of the way..The weather has been a bit hit and miss, but we are in the UK so it goes with the territory I guess.

The view from the afternoon

The Sky at it's most ominous

Jacob and friend Millie

Here is Jacob's video diary entry for today

Tomorrow we are going surfing whatever the weather and future blog entries will center around fun activities unless of course it all goes to shit again.

Edit: Popped into St Ives town last night.. took a couple of photos and visited the local arcade!