Day 13 - St Ives

You know what, I really cant be bothered to elaborate on our day today which was fantastic albeit chav infested at times (We did visit Newquay after all), Instead today's blog is basically a short story cut even shorter..

• Went to Newquay - Arrived at 9 a.m. - Chavs were still asleep
• Shops and arcades opened at 9.30 ish - Chavs starting to fill the Arcades
• Went in several surf shops - Chav free zone
• Visited 2 arcades - Chavtastic
• Walked around the Boardmaster retail tents - A light sprinkling of Chavs
• Filled up pockets with Lynx Shower Gel courtesy of the Lynx Gals
• Had miserable cheesy chips for lunch that tasted of undercooked sweaty bollocks
• Wangled the best seat in the house for the Skateboarding practice session, a double deck chair - who'd have thunk it
• Got hot, really hot
• Jacob fell over and embarrassed himself by crying, he's 6 for crying out loud, crying should be a thing of the past at this age.
• Returned to apartment
• Had an indoor Barbecue - Mmm tasty
• Filmed a movie (see below) - screenplay by Jacob Simpson

Stupid Crocodile

A short clip of today's action.

Jacob

Boardmasters 2009 from Torbaysurfing on Vimeo.

Viva la revolution....

Day 12 - St Ives

After yesterday which was a great day, and exhausting until the end; today was always going to go one of two ways, fucking fantastic or a bit twat faced.

Today's weather was probably the best it has been over the two weeks, but that didn't matter as my imagination was in overdrive and my common sense had long departed.

I spent the morning day dreaming, imagining how good at surfing I was, then we broke for lunch, Jacob declared today "chip day", I disagreed then went and fetched him some chips.

After baking in the early afternoon sun I psyched myself up then Sam Jacob and I hit the surf trail.... Ok I exaggerate we dragged ourselves down to the shore. The body boarding section was rammed like a cheesy 90's rave full of whistling chavs, but that didn't matter as we were able to enjoy the much more spacious malibu area.

I was voted first out into the ocean, after a couple of rides I crawled back out. If you hadn't seen my surfing attempts you might have believed I had swam a few miles to shore. Sam stayed in a little longer than me and had a few rides. For me surfing should have remained in my imagination today at least.

We headed out to the Italian restaurant, the food was "Mmmm tasty", as usual I was the only one to overeat, I was for a time literally high on Dago nosh.

Tomorrow we win....

Actually tomorrow we are heading off to Newquay for Boardmasters

Here is Jacob's video diary entry for today:

For me today went twat faced.

Day 11 - St Ives

Today was going to be different, it was going to be a classic affirmation of everything right and true about the Cornish lifestyle, it was to be a gross attempt to live the Cornish dream, and salute the fantastic possibilities of living in this county - It was going to require determination and we had plenty of that. Then Jacob came into the room and woke us up at 8 a.m., the dream was over and we were back in reality with a bump.

Despite the initial setback of having to wake up we decided that we would make the best of the day and promptly sat down to breakfast, the others had cereal; I had marmite on toast which has a similar effect to caustic soda for morning mouth. We moved on, the Cornish dream unfortunately requires fitness levels that escape us during a lucid reality and there was no time for sleeping as the caffeine had taken effect.

Today's weather forecast was collated from several different sources which proved only one thing, and that one thing was that as a collective they know nothing.

Auto-erotic asphyxiation is supposedly an affective way to reach euphoria, I had no cord and plastic bag, and it was only 9 a.m. I had heard or perhaps dreamt that running may produce similar same effects, and it is well known that it can be addictive to people that are that way inclined because of the endorphins produced. Needless to say the only effects it produced for me were profuse sweating, staggering and almost puking - more like the morning after than the night before.

Sam and I grabbed the malibu surfboard and took to the sea whilst Jacob was a given a free pass to tour St Ives with Adam, Bethan and Maya, an hour or so of peace and quiet gratefully received. We were struggling which I can only put down to the fact that the waves were of the wrong kind for this board, there was only thing for it and it didn't involve lubrication or alcohol, but something a quick visit to Hayle would probably remedy.

One hour and one Love Machine later Sam and I pulled on our rubber costumes and looking forward to the ride we squeezed out onto the beach, Bethan and Jacob had manufactured a dolphin from sand, I have requested the reverse for tomorrow.

After an hour or so of getting close to attaining a standing position on the old and sticks my arms felt rubbery. I gripped the board and flopped toward the beach, the tide was getting high and my eyes were so full of water and salt that everyone's faces looked like they were melting and dripping like a Dali.

We took the usual stroll around the town to check that nothing had changed, my prediction was correct as it always is when I keep it to myself. Jacob had a look around a Fire Engine before we shot at the skanky tramps again. No fat sows to soak tonight, only a ginger street urchin, he spoke toff's english and made my skin crawl. Before returning we had Ice creams.

My final thoughts:

Whilst Maple and Walnut is good, it can't hold a torch to Cookie Dough and Clotted Cream.

Day 10 - St Ives

Sam wrote:

Sam arose this morning following a sleepless night due to Alex drinking far too much cider and snoring incessantly, her elbow bruised and swollen following the constant digging she had to do to make the noise stop. At 7:30 am Jacob appeared in the room to put the TV on, at this point Sam and Alex both realised it was futile to lie down any longer.

Alex went to the kitchen and made everyone a nice cup of coffee with some coconut macaroons, it was decided by all, that scrambled eggs would be good to eat so Bethan nipped to the shop to purchase some. It was at this point that Sam had a bit of a turn and challenged Jacob to a race up the beach and back before the eggs were cooked, Jacob following his usual bout of cheating won the race easily, claiming he was tired and needed to walk giving a last minute dash to the finish. To be fair they were both running so slowly a seagull went past them (on foot).

Following the hearty breakfast everyone decided it would be a good idea to go to Truro, as it was pissing down outside. On arrival at Truro following two train journeys all broke for lunch, everyone was hungry (for a change) so went into a local pub for sandwiches, ciabatta and chips n beans, all had soft drinks except for Bethan who opted for a half a cider. We then walked into town and first port of call was the game shop where Jacob had to buy Xbox game Jumper, Adam, Bethan & Maya went off on their own as their interest in computer games is limited to zero, a bit like Alex and Sam (who unfortunately have no choice but to accompany their offspring into the shop). The writer can't really account for Adam & Bethan's whereabouts following this but it is believed they had a quick scoot around the shops then got the train back (which took ages) arrived at the flat (eventually) Maya had a coughing fit, man came to read meter (electricity), Bethan lost her wedding rings (since found) and nearly broke her toe on stair gate (bruised - badly).

Sam, Alex and Jacob continued to look around the shops and made some very nice purchases it must be noted. Following a shopping intensive day, they headed back for the train, got there 10 mins before it was due to find that it was delayed by 20 minutes. Sam went to fetch beverages from the coffee shop on Truro platform, who were supplying some entertainment by way of a very drunk old Scottish guy who the cafe staff had requested the station master come to remove him from the premises he was refusing to move, they were refusing to serve him, Sam left the cafe with the situation in stalemate so don't know what the outcome was. The train was now running 26 minutes late, this was now becoming an issue as a meal was booked for 6 pm at The Mex in St Ives and the connection times were very dodgy.

Finally the train arrived and they jumped on, the arrived in St Erth at 5:30 pm, having missed the 5:11 pm train the next one was 5:41 pm which was due to arrive in St Ives at 5:55 pm, the train came in 2 minutes late but the driver made the time up and got into St Ives on time. Sam, Alex and Jacob jumped off the train and legged it up past the Malakoff down the hill and ran around the corner, just as Adam called to say they were running late too as their incidents had delayed them.

At 6:10 all were sitting down ready to order, everyone had a great meal from Chilli, Fajitas and Burritos and an enormous jug of Margherita (£10 bargain). Following the meal they all went off to the arcade to waste money, Alex and Jacob got soaked as they tried to shoot hillbillies, Jacob had his obligatory ice-cream, Beth bought a headband, Adam admired a shirt. They all returned to the flat to look at the people still surfing in the sea, Jacob & Beth built a cannon, Maya went to sleep, some had a glass of wine. FIN.

Thank you to Sam today for guest writing today's entry, I have writers block or constipation, not sure which but will report back later.

Jacob's video diary entry for today:

Day 9 - St Ives

In commemoration of "Gingers are people too" day in St Ives; clouds graced our skies until late afternoon (around 4 p.m.) after which time the sun's rays are considered to be of an intensity deemed safe for our carrot topped brethren.

It was a non eventful day, with little to write about.

• Woke up around 7:30 a.m.
• Weather looks promising
• Breakfast at around 8 a.m.
• Weather still looks promising
• Head off into town for morning service
• Weather still looking good
• Look around a few shops
• weather still not bad
• Coffee and biscotti in The Hub
• Clouds start to fill the sky, Gingers and Albino's cheer
• Head back to the apartment after attempting to pull together ingredients on a Sunday for a traditional sunday dinner (i.e. Curry)
• Miscellaneous pasties for lunch (Vegetable, Broccoli, Large Steak and Minted Lamb)
• Head down to the beach, defying the weather, the weather LOL's at us and it starts to rain sporadically.
• Maya vomits
• Sam and Jacob make a sand sculpture of Upsy Daisy (see below)
• Ad, Beth and Maya return to the apartment
• The sun forces it's way through the clouds and "Gingers are people too" day is officially over
• Jacob, Sam and I played 3 way football, I kicked the ball with my usual precision and a fair bit of pace, I thought it was funny but the middle aged lady shot bolt upright when the 10 bob swerver rolled with gusto from gusset to barnet.
• A glorious evening.
• Improvised curry for dinner washed down with a lashing of strong cider (it is the Lords day after all)
• Sam spilt red wine on the carpet and used the magic stain remover
• A walk around town involving a visit to the arcade, I shot some old hillbilly tramps, they tried to spit on me but missed and hit some fat bitch, we laughed.
• More lashings of cider.
• Game over

Jacob's video diary for today:

Day 8 - St Ives

No one would have believed in the early years of the twenty first century that the world was undergoing weather modification by intelligences considered greater than the general populace; that as families busied themselves preparing for a day on the beach the skies above them were being modified to dim the effects of the sun.

With infinite complacency men went to and fro over this globe experimenting on human beings without their permission, serene in their assurance of their empire over matter.

No one gave a thought to the effects that the chemicals might cause on man, or thought of them only to dismiss the idea that any dangers inherently involved were either impossible or improbable. It is curious to recall the memories before the weather changes started. At a primeval level many vaguely remember that the Sun used to shine during the summer period, those days were long gone.

Yet somewhere in the south west of England a weather system, unlike any weather system seen for some time, unsympathetic, regarded the scientist’s plans with distaste, and slowly and surely drew their plans against them. And early in August came the great encouragement.

So gullible is man, and so blinded by his gullibility, that no writer, up to the start of August has expressed and idea that the idea of Global Warming is a fraud of the highest order. Nor is it generally understood that aerosols have been sprayed into the atmosphere since 1999.

That morning, a strange object was glimpsed in the sky. I saw it. Reddish on the outer edges, an intense yellow glow in the centre; I told Sam that I’d heard rumours of a star that omitted light and heat during the daytime hours, she looked at me like I had been drinking. The morning was getting warmer and brighter than anything I had seen before. I stretched my legs and gathered all the appropriate items required for what used to be described as beach weather, whilst Sam was visibly puzzled at the beams of light that came from the sky down towards us.

We awaited the return of the others who had been to pay the parking fee for the week; they had been out early to avoid the early morning rush with only the seagulls as company.

That morning another shaft of light particles accelerated towards us, it was the second time today that this happened. I remember how I sat on the beach last year in my wetsuit to avoid the damping effect of the atmosphere. The experiences so far today gave hope that today might be different.

All six of us headed down to the beach, the tent was pitched with relative ease on the perpetually damp sand and the wind breaks positioned for maximum wind diversion. We checked the Iphone weather application for today’s weather forecast.

“The chances of any thing Sun-like today are a million to one,” It said.

Hundreds of observers saw the light rays that morning. When the sun finally broke through the clouds at around 10:30 a.m. others gathered on the beach, shops began to fill with holiday-makers and the mood of the local population began to lift to a state that was once documented by historians as happiness.

We played games in the sun, which dipped behind cloud coverage for minutes at a time, but hope was not dashed and the heat soon returned. Lunch was a lavish affair as always. Lemon curd and Tuna sandwiches washed down with CoOp's own brand limejuice.

Even the daily newspapers woke to the climate improvements; news headlines were read “Hottest day since the last one” and “Weather can be this good all of the time if income tax can be increased by 2.5%”.

I attempted to surf but was immediately throttled and dumped by the waves, today was shaping up to be an exhausting experience, the sun draining all of my energy; the only option involved lying down horizontally for rest and relaxation.

An old acquaintance arrived at the beach unannounced, we discussed nostalgia for around 20 minutes, and Jacob performed beach acrobatics whilst I was used as bruisable gymnasium equipment.

After sometime in the early evening the family begrudgingly returned to the apartment and ate a glorious meal and discussed the day, whilst scientists continued to secretly execute their evil plans.

Jacob's video diary for today:

Day 7 - St Ives

Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the fashionable south westerly end of United Kingdom lies a pointy unregarded county. Along the Northern coast not too far from Lands End lies an utterly insignificant town whose ape descended bipedal lifeforms are so primitive that they still think that the internet is just a pipe dream.

The town has - or rather had - a problem, which was this:

Most of the people who visited the town were unhappy when the Sun wasn't shining. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these involved the exchange of small pieces of green paper for over priced fashionable surfwear, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the the small pieces of green paper that were unhappy.

And so the problem remained; lots of people were unpleasant and most of them were miserable, even the ones with access to the internet.

Many were increasingly of the opinion that they'd all made a big mistake in coming down from the West Midlands in the first place. And some said that evolving from apes had been a bad move, how Ironic then that a large majority of these lifeforms still closely resemble chimpanzees in their behaviour.

And then, one Friday, approximately two millennia after one man had been allegedly nailed to a cross for preaching about tolerance and being nice to thy neighbour for a change, one man whilst sitting on his own by a lake in Sutton Park fishing suddenly realised what it was that had been going wrong all this time, and he finally knew how he could make everyone in St Ives happy all of the time. This time it was right, it would work, and no one would have to get crucified.

Sadly, however, before he could get to a phone to tell anyone about it, his Three mobile phone signal dropped, and the idea was lost forever.

This is not his story.

It is however the story of a family from the West Midlands trying in vain to escape unhappiness by finding Sunshine and some of the consequences.

It is also the story of a blog, a blog entitled www.simpedia.blogspot.com - not a worthwhile blog, barely viewed on Earth, and until the quest for sunshine, never seen or heard of by anyone.

In fact it was probably the most unworthwhile blog ever to be written by the writer whose pseudonym is NeoplasmSix - whom no Earthling had ever heard of either.

Not only is it a wholly unworthwhile blog, it is also written in a highly plagiarised and inaccurate style - More plagiarised than Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code" and more inaccurate than government recommended school history text books. "It was the Germans that started it","the Germans started it again" and "Thats the Germans fucked, Lets blame everything on the Muslims next".

On some of the established Social Networking sites www.simpedia.blogspot.com has supplanted the world renowned Wikipedia as the standard repository of all inaccurate knowledge and misinformation, although it has many omissions and contains a vast amount of wildly inaccurate facts, it scores over the older Wikipedia in two important respects.

First, it isn't edited by wankers with material detremental to the elite families removed; and secondly it has the word Simpedia inscribed in large friendly and most probably trademarked letters on the banner.

But the story of this rainy, miserable Friday, the story of several unremarkable anecdotes, and the story of how these anecdotes are tenuously intertwined with this blog begins rather.

It begins with an apartment.

The apartment was on the ground floor of a 4 storey block overlooking the trendy surf beach - it was approximately 50 years old, squarish, made of brick and spread over 2 floors and had a window on the upper floor of decent proportion with a size and proportion that was good but as good as the balcony that wasn't there.

The three people, to whom the apartment was in any way special were Sam, Jacob and Alex, and that was only because they were currently halfway through a two week vacation. It hadn't properly registered with them that the apartment population was about to double. At eight o'clock that morning Alex didn't feel very good. That was because it was 8 o'clock and not half past ten. He got up pulled himself together brushed his teeth and proceeded downstairs to make breakfast for the others.

Kettle, bowls, coffee, tea, cereal, bread toast. Fart!

He called Sam and Jacob down for their breakfast which they duly demolished in a style not dissimilar to a pack of hungry hyenas. Alex got changed into the same pair of shorts he had worn all week, they were so grubby that the dirt and grease marks were starting to wear off, another week and they would probably be clean again. Alex took the car out of the garage in preparation for the telephone call. At approximately half past nine the phone rang and Alex eased the car out of the drive and was brought to a halt immediately by the delivery driver for the local shop, one illegal move later involving a one way street and within a few minutes he was pulling into the car park. The car was loaded up with Adam, Bethan and Maya's belongings. The volume to volume ratio of belongings was roughly 18.3% Parents 81.7% Child, which was well within ISO standards.

After an hour or so of chaos the group shuffled into town for lunch. Pasty, pasty, baguette, baguette, chips, piss and back to the apartment. The chance of sun today was as remote as the likelihood of rain on the Sahara, that didn't deter them though. Ludicrous. The beach was still damp from yesterday's rain, today's rain was due in 23 minutes. The tent was up within seconds due to a patented tent erection technique involving no effort.

By a curious coincidence, not at all is exactly how surprised bipedal Sam and Alex were that Susan the young girl from next door was not in her parents apartment, but was in fact standing within yards of the tent in a manner that suggested that she was about to impose herself and overstay her welcome, the welcome that expired 3 days earlier after a generic beach appliance incident.

'It's my last day' she wailed. Alex struggled to stifle his excitement but got away with it by looking in exactly the opposite direction. Susan struck most she met as a stalker, a harmless one but a stalker nevertheless. Sam, Jacob and Alex rotated playing beach tennis and shouting whilst Susan decided that she would impose on Adam and Bethan. Having rifled through Maya's bag she turned and left without as much as a whisper.

23 minutes had passed and the rain started on cue, all five packed up and returned to the apartment.

Day 6 - St Ives

'Bollocks! It's morning already!' said Alex, 'The Sun is out aswell. Worst time it could possibly happen!'

Samantha glanced at Alex and tried to fall asleep again realising it was only 6 am. 'We've got time to get our heads down for a few more minutes' she said 'We've got seven minutes before Jacob wakes us up.'

Jacob got out of bed and prepared his paper and string lengths. The others looked at each other and closed their eyes again, there was no way they were going to get away with sleeping in.

After breakfast they walked into town for some sanitary supplies, today was going to be a tough one, there was going to be no room for error.

On returning to their apartment, Susan, the lonely little girl living next door knocked on the door, the knock caused chills to run down Samantha and Alex's spines, they knew full well what her intentions were.

'Are you going to the beach' she screeched, Jacob excited by the idea piped up.. 'What a terrific Idea, can we mommy?'. With the speed of the most modern steam locomotive the Fameless Three pulled their wetsuits on; today was most likely going to involve the sea to some degree.

After slaving away for several minutes the Anti-UV tent was erected, just as well too; the apartment didn't open directly onto the beach, and time was of the essence particularly with the lack of solar benefits to date.

The girl from next door kept yapping 'when are you going in the sea?' in a way reminiscent of a small terrier type dog with a borderline personality disorder. 'After lunch' Samantha declared, then attempted to sleep for a few minutes.

Lunch was splendid as ever Alex prepared a picnic consisting of Lemon Curd Sandwiches for Jacob, Tuna Mayonnaise for Samantha, and Tuna/Sweetcorn Mayonnaise for himself, with a smattering of crisps for everyone.

Samantha and Alex kept look out, 'Thank fuck for that' Susan has gone back into her own apartment, 'quick, grab your surfboards and run!' said Samantha, Jacob and Alex agreed and ran down to the bodyboarding area of the beach whilst keeping one eye open for Susan.

Jacob and Samantha went into the sea up to their waists, which was more than deep enough and well within health and safety parameters. Samantha and Alex laughed out loud when Jacob smashed into two older children sending them flying, celebrations were dashed when they discovered Jacob had picked up a bruise of his own.

The three made their way back to the beach tent, using stealth skills garnered from watching episodes of Chuck, they arrived at the tent and hid for fun. The fun didn't last long though as Susan noticed that they had returned. 'Have you been in the sea?' she screeched, 'yes, we couldn't find you though!' Alex lied.

Alex and Samantha decided now was as good as anytime to have a rest. Jacob played solo beach tennis and unfortunately lost.

After a short break Samantha, Alex decided to take the Malibu boards down to the shore. Jacob was very grumpy and ruined Alex's fun by getting cold. Samantha overconfident appeared to attempt a hang ten and somehow took a knock to the head.

They all laughed at the fun that had ensued and prepared to pack up for the day.

Jacob's Video Diary Entry:

Day 5 - St Ives

It was a dismal wet day in July, the clocks were striking 6 am. Jacob Simpson, his arms outstretched, body flattened in an attempt to slip through the doorway of his bedroom, not as low profile to the wall as he would have liked, he was unable to prevent the ear bleeding screech of the non-oiled hinges from following him to his destination.

The hallway smelt of baked beans and musty flip flops. At one end of it Jacob's bedroom, impossibly messy for such a small room, the door slowly swung back to its closed position screeching once more, at the other end was the living room, the door cracked open, an uncurtained window facing towards the ocean 8 ft x 5 ft resembled a water damaged impressionist painting of a grey wall.

Having attempted and failed to switch on the Telescreen (instrument) Jacob made for his parents bedroom. It was no use his parents trying to remain asleep, once awake Jacob was an unstoppable force. It was a part of the deal if Jacob didn't wake his parents up, they would try to avoid shouting at him throughout the rest of the day, this rarely if ever happened. However this was the first of two weeks of their annual vacation and tempers were somewhat subdued, it was Jacob's lucky day. We all arose and headed downstairs for breakfast. The apartment was split level, the kitchen diner area was at the downstairs rear of the property. A box gazed down from the top of the fridge freezer, It was one of those boxes that draw you in as you move closer. SHREDDIES - Delicious crispy squares with a yummy, malty taste, the caption on the box said.

Inside the flat a jaunty voice was shouting out a collection of unconnected words over raucous guitar sounds, which had something to do with predicting a riot. The sound came from an a squarish plastic black box with knobs and buttons on it. Sam turned a knob and the voice sank somewhat, though the music was still distinguishable.

Outside, even through the steamed up kitchen window-pane, the world looked cold. Outside the window was a shit blue car blocking the drive way. During breakfast it had been decided that The Doctor Who exhibition at Lands End was today's destination, however there was no escape for now. The usual rituals of watching CBeebies, Quincy and having lunch took the family to midday. The shit blue car had thankfully been moved and it was time to move on.

The one way system forced the family to leave via the back roads, the rain pelted down but the family soon arrived at Lands End for their afternoon of entertainment. The Doctor Who Exhibition - Docerooexsibishan, in Pasty-speak [Pasty-speak was the official language of Lands End. For an account of its structure and etymology see Appendix I.] was startling different to the other exhibitions at Lands End, in that it wasn't shit. The family stayed for a couple of hours and returned to their accommodation. On return spontaneous sunshine was provided and was enjoyed for precisely 45 minutes.

Evening nourishment was scheduled for 5:30 pm as was standard for the era, pasta was the only option available for Wednesdays or MidWeek [Pasty-speak]. A half hour of exercise [local bylaws for Cornwall state 2 games of Air Hockey as the legal minimum level of exercise] by decree was carried out before returning to their accommodation the final time for that day.

Jacob Simpson spent two hours completing his moral programming for the evening. Shaun of The Dead providing today's lessons.

Jacob's belated video diary:

Day 4 - St Ives

We were somewhere near the lounge window when the clouds began to take hold. I remember saying something like "Look at the sky; do you reckon it's going to rain?..." And suddenly there was a terrible mist all around us and the sky was full of what looked like water, all drizzling and dripping and splashing all over the town, St Ives was slowly submerging into a murkiness that resembled "Up North". And a voice was screaming in my head "Holy Bollocks! Shall we go to Penzance?"

Then it stopped raining for a while, Jacob managed to slip both shoes on to hasten the evacuation process. "Why are you bloody crying?" I probably shouted, "I've hurt my thumbs" he definitely whined back. "Never mind' I said "We are going to drive to Penzance." A shouting match ensued as Jacob wanted to go by train I won of course and pointed the Landrover towards the winding country roads. No need discussing the lack of rain at this point, I was pretty confident that it will be back before long.

It was around noon, and we pulled up into Penzance following a grueling 10+ mile drive. The town looked the same as always, still no pirates. There was no going back, at least not for a little while as lunch beckoned and there is no stopping lunch. Service in the Wetherspoon's pub was a standard affair, you have to join the queue with the street urchins ordering cocktails of methylated spirits and organic beer. A large lady bore the brunt of my moaning as I was unable to seat myself at the table. I thought I was a little quieter than I was; the sour bag's face told a different story. The food arrived; it was one of those occasions where the anticipation by far exceeded the reality of the situation. After eating the dry reheated pasta muck and packet chili con carne we left the public house. A quick tour of the remainder of Penzance revealed that the only changes were closed retail establishments and at this we decided to leave.

Jacob pressed us into going to see "Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince" using the tried and tested whining and moaning technique. The film was due to start at 5:15 pm which obviously conflicted with our regular eating times, we didn't let the movie stop us and took food from the Co-Op. I'm still no fan of eating in the dark.

Jacob's video Diary for today: